I’ve Been Asking Why I am Here Most of My Life? — In the Hand of Striking Physical Pain
The sun is slowly setting down. As I look up above, I can’t help myself but to be amazed of all the colors brushed in the broad, cloudy sky. Thinking of the scene portrayed, I began to measure how wonderful the earth is, but seems too far from what I can really imagine. Golden and lush reddish color fills the sky, truly a special exhibition of world’s wonders that no one can imitate. Behind me is a lush greenery fields, an astonishing evidence of His love. As I watched these awesome creations, Jehovah never show any unpleasant to my eyes. But despite these gifts, my heart become blind that fails to see all these wonders of the earth, seemingly hopeless and refusing to accompany me in bringing praise to Jehovah with a rejoicing soul. I can’t fathom what’s within me or what’s wrong with me, but a thing is certain: my heart is always asking, “why I am here most of my life?”
Throughout my entire existence, I’ve seen many things that affects each one’s well-being, from which vast majority of them brings pain, tears, and desires for something seems unrealistic. Above these, I see only one thing that brings up everything unpleasant — SUFFERING. Because of the latter emphasized word, the mankind raised up the most bitter and painful question — “WHY?” Three letters and a special character, yet requires the longest possible explanations from different experts, highly educated professionals, and words of wisdom from every generation to compile just a single-bound volume of convincing answers. However, despite of our relentless efforts to seek for reliefs, no one can bring true comforts with the best satisfying words, even from professionals in appearance. I, myself, have been there, experiencing the cries for freedom from sufferings. In no definite interval of time, I feel something unpleasant, have been covered with loneliness, and become a slave of injustice feelings.From time to time, I am tired of doing nothing.
Every time I look up to everyone around me, I feel how unfair life really is. I can’t do some errands and stuffs, and can’t perform the things close to my heart. As I raised up in the midst of the dawn, my back starts to live in pain, again. Pressured nerves, posture problems, limited capability to carry heavy weight, and daily endurance test are to name few of some unpleasant things that have been there, consuming my strength from day to day basis. There are times I feel downhearted because of things I wish but can’t do. Although I feel like I am living in life full of trepidation, I know that it is just a start of a life-time endurance, which also means that most of my life, I will live in suffering, in tormenting scoliosis, in uncertainties. I was there, in a situation of enduring life-time tiredness, most of my life. Ever since I found out myself an exile of this fearsome condition, I’ve been asking why should I live a life of misery or why I am here most of my life.
After all of my efforts to surpass the pain inside, I feel that I am forever hopeless. As I walk around the green fields of Villaflores as portrayed above, my tears began to flow. I can’t imagine why life’s so unfair. I only wish to be a simple, happy man, wearing the best smile I could, but life forbid me to seek for my own comforts. Where is the justice? I can’t see the reason why I should be the one who will be tormented by the striking pain. If the reason is beyond the control of a man, how long would it take before I completely sent out from this tormenting abyss? Do I need to suffer for a life-time? Why would be the true God make me face these bruises? He should have just crushed me from the beginning so that I can’t live in the pool of misery. Again, where is the justice? In all the people around us, in all the people who commits serious sin or already given up their lives, why, why should I be the one who shall carry this burdensome condition? Is it not reasonable to think that instead of me, the one who should be tied into this uncertainty are those who gives up their everything? Why are the events so cruel to only me? What I have done so wrong? I am going far beyond from what I can really fathom. My life began to shrink back from my battle against the agony. I see nothing good within me. What I see is not an assiduous Alexander, but a man of no use, emptied, of little worth.
During that eventide, while I am still in the field, I kneel down, bursting from all the gathered and kept bad notions. All my life, I have to endure tiredness. From the moment I wake up in every dawn, I feel tired, even though I am not yet started nor conditioned to do some sort of tasks. As the sun goes up in its mark, my back began to live in pain, enduring the uneasiness, the sort of pain everyone might not wanted to carry. As I lay down in the evening from the whole-day battle against my condition, my whole face wears bitterness for I can’t stand the contracting nerve fibers and muscles around my lumbar spines. There are times that I can’t even endure the pain. That’s why I am asking, “What is the purpose of my life? To be born alive, to suffer, then to die? Why God permitted my suffering for too long? Why I am here most of my life?” I yearn for answers, but it seems that none exists. I entered Jehovah’s organization, but the questions within me are all left on doubts.
After many months of enduring, a light shine, too much that makes me realize how I walk all by myself in the darkened phase of my life. While I preach about God’s rule from heaven, I have been asked by a poor old man, “how close are we?” Simple questions of an interested man, but a very significant move to my comforts. I know that the Bible calls our days as the “conclusion of the system of things.” I often preach this truth, but I fail to dig some gems from it. As I have been asked, I try to answer his question, but I didn’t recognize that the words I am about to spill out are directed towards me, much more powerful than the effect it may have brought to that man. Seemingly simple question, but enough to make me reflect, to change my views, and to uplift my discouraged thoughts.
After my service in the field, I went home running. I imagine the scene I raised up earlier, a paradise earth, with no pain and uncertainties, where I can see myself dancing out the floor and saying my “thank you” to the Almighty God Jehovah. The question is, how close are we? Well, I can’t answer the question precisely, but the thing is for sure: all things as foretold are now prevailing. There says that pestilences will be there (in worldwide span), shortage of foods will be everywhere, and many signs will be seen, in heaven, in attitude of men, and in earth. That means that we are drawing near to the conclusion of things, when sickness (including my Thoracic dextroscoliosis) will be vanished. In such question, I realized that even everything I treasured were all gone, there’s one left for me to treasure: HOPE. My condition is now getting worse, yet Jehovah promise me that he will take care of everything for me. He will mark the end of my suffering, and soon, will put an end to it. Sooner, which is not too long to wait, there’s no more resident that will say: “I am sick.” Now, I have nothing to do but to have a strong hold to that hope, and share them to others in order to give them temporary comforts for now, and everlasting refreshment in the near future.
Now, where is the justice, after all? In my intensive search for answers, rejoice for there are existing justices. I might see myself living in too much pain, but I fail to put myself and try to see and experience the pain of others. I only think of my own wellness, but never thinks that others might feel some sorts of suffrage, something differ from the pain I have. Now I know that every man has its own weakness, its own suffering, its own anxieties. I feel injustice because I see others enjoying life. I feel injustice because others didn’t live in the similar pain I am living with. But I reflect, what if others feel the same, the feeling of unfair life, as they look up with me? What if I have an edge over them in some sort or aspects of life? I realized that everyone might differ in the way the suffering strikes them, but come to think that no one have been escaped from the curse of suffrage. However, despite of the strikes and bad feelings, I know that I have Jehovah who causes me to be strong and can beat the attacks of discomforts. I may once reside in the worst unbearable reality under the slavery of pain, but now the true God provides me a promising hope and answers to all my questions in full, from which some of them will bring life-time lessons for me and all slaves of suffering.
Reminiscing all my past endeavors, I have made a strong Alexander, which now serves as a boulder, can be used as a great fortress for suffering persons against their greatest fear: their own pains. I might feel the pain and uncertainties today, but the promise heals me and uplift my heart. As I think of the question the old man once asks (how close are we?), I have regained my strengths (that disappears lately because of the pain striking my back), my convictions that are once dissolved by my conditions, and my determinations to win over everything which are once weighed down by such adversities in life that makes me live in unbearable conditions. I realized a hope that I will never, never live in such pain for a life-time, again and forever. The things happened to me gives me reason to leap with joy of heart, as they prove to me that everything can be surpassed through faith to the unseen God Jehovah, and that I may be strengthened by my struggles. All my life, I may be lived in pain most of it, but all of my life, Jehovah gives my reliever. My God sent Jesus to redeem me from sin and errors, from suffering, through his precious blood. Because of what Jehovah have done, I revamp my thought and makes my full pledge to serve him. That is why now, I am determined to do all and conquer all despite of many adversities in my way as I search and give reassuring answers to someone who, also, have been asking, “WHY I’M HERE MOST OF MY LIFE?”.