I’ve Been Asking Why I am Here Most of My Life? — Observing the Customs of Mourning After Deaths of Loved Ones
The dawn is just around the corner. Later, the beam of light signals the start of shining by the rising sun. This day is very clear, pleasant and no worries. Tasks have to be done, and the normal routine of living ruled again. I was there in my safe haven, happy, playing joyfully, and running freely in the dusty yard. The scene was very peaceful, much differ from the next events. That day, we have received a dreadful message: my grandfather, who watch my mother grew, have passed away. I don’t remember how it feels to be left alone, but I know that pains inside take time to be cured. Only seasons can make me heal, but can’t recover my totality in full. Until now, even I have my wants, I feel that I am not absolutely complete. I was only ten years old by that time, but still, the memories of that event are clear. I am too young, and thus I have much time left in this world, which means that majority of my life, I will be fastened to incompleteness as long as I breathe. That is why I’ve been asking, ‘Why I am here most of my life?’
As I live the life I have, I’ve seen much things, which is now part of the reality of life. Today, I see the most cause of the transparent liquid to drop — the PAIN itself. Four letters, but contains everything unpleasant. The word is very short, yet extends its definitions to a very broad span of feelings. We may felt it in any aspect of our life. When we get injured, we feel physical pain. When we are thrown away by our peers or they cause damages in our reputations, we may feel social pain (as it may be hard for us to trust next time), emotional pain, which will then lead to mental pain. When we fail to follow the spiritual provisions to prioritize material things, we are symbolically hurt in spiritual. Pain excuses no one. It strikes whenever it pleases, and I am no exception. When the latter emphasized word becomes excessive, we have created the word “DEPRESSIONS.” Single, simple word, yet very fearsome state. These two were the common ends of being left alone. Whenever there is death, it is sure that pain follows, and later, may get into depression.
Every time I look up in the mirror, there is still a question I want to ask myself, something very unfathomable. I questioned the existence of life. What is life for? What is its purpose? To be born alive, and later, deprived of more time to live, and leave some families behind? I can’t see the reason why we die. If we will die in that very little span of time, why should they give us birth in the first place? Do we live in earth to taste the unpleasant living, and to cause pain to our loved ones in our death? I can’t fully understand the life and death. If we receive life from a source, then go live eternally. But if he gave a life for us today, but will get it after decades, then there’s no reason for us to take that life. The matter of life and death is too mysterious to me, something I ask for, but seems that none can answer me. I was there, clueless while suffering the pain of being left alone, have nothing to do, as it was actually happened without remedy nor cure. Even the most comforting words can’t heal me, as my heart was tortured, very painful and while words trying to touch it, it never heals me but makes me live in more pain. My heart was filled with sorrow, and makes me suffer for too long. I pitied myself, and wish that I can get over from this very tiring situation. I, ever since I realize how I was downed by these events, asking myself, “why I am here most of my life?”
I try to overcome these feelings, yet my efforts are not enough to make it. As I recall the time when I was playing at my safe haven, my heart began to suffer. It is April 20 of the year 2011 when the above-mentioned event happened. It is in the most pleasant day when we learn that my grandfather (father of my mother) has died. It is my first time to feel the pain of being left alone. I am not too much attached to the old man, but still my heart lives in sorrow, and longing for him. Three days after, on April 23 of the same year, I never forgot the feelings of another loss. I was stiffened while receiving another news, my grandfather (the old man of the Nartates clan) tastes the death. I was tormented by another pain, and the wounded heart gets torn buried in it. That day, my whole world collapse. The person that raised me, which is the one that I can lean on, were disappeared just like a mist. I left him three days before and heads up to the funeral of my grandfather in Villaflores, not knowing that He, my beloved grandfather I leave, is longing for my presence. Three days of not having by his side, the poor man died asking for my return. I have the most resentful life on earth! I didn’t know that my esteemed grandfather (this time, the father of my father), the one I love the most, die without me in his sight while breathing the last breaths he has. April 23 of 2011 when he took his last day in this world, lie down into the coffin, and have given up his life. He is the reason why I refuse to come back to my home, the Barangay Loob. If I will continue to reside in that place, I will be forever hopeless and the pain I have will continue to torment me. I can’t stop living in the life full of lamentations, much more if I will continue to reside in Loob. I am not ready to feel another pain, but life forbids me to recover. After 39 days, my uncle (a sibling of my mother) have died and brings back the pain I have. He is the man of generosity, of his word, and ambition. I can’t configure myself with these three incremental deaths! I am tired living in pain. I want comforts, but why should I live in life full of trepidation? Why? Is there any reason that all of these should happen in just a single year? I am too young to fathom all of these. I yearn for higher answers, but no one can condole with me, and at least pacify me. I began to shrink back to destruction. I see nothing good in everything. What I see is emptied, incomplete Alexander, a man of bitterness, of sorrow, of unforeseen troubles.
As days passes by, my heart gathered all emotions. I can’t understand myself anymore. I thought that I would be okay as time vanished like an arrow, but I was wronged. Instead, my situation becomes more hopeless as the days run rapidly. I longed for my grandfather to come back, yet none appears in my side. As I lay down every night, my tears began to flow, drops from my watery eyes that proves me on how I loved them, and how I kept all his memories. As I was buried deeply in uncertainties, I have questions that continuously brings confusions and mystery in my mind. I am asking, “Why? Why God permitted such? Why would the true God make me face these pains? Why are the events so cruel to only me? How long could it take before I moved on to a new beginning, a beginning without pains, a beginning without my grandfather in my side?” I yearn for answers, and yet no one gave me such. I wait for comforts, but the situation makes me tired from waiting, until a light takes me out of the darkness. This is now the start of my life-long battle against the pain I have.
Jehovah sees my sufferings, and hear my laments. He knew that no one can comforts me. As for me, I know that I could recover from the pains and bruises of the past, but I don’t know when and how. However, Jehovah showed mercy to me, and gave me the answer to all of my questions. It is a year later, 2012, when I get to know my maestro, my great teacher who taught me of how Jehovah felt towards sufferings of humankind. It is the same year when he took a visit to Villaflores. As I see the opportunity, I grabbed it and took the free Bible study with him. Later, there is a question that moves me: “Would you like to live on earth forever?” Simple question, easy question, which is answerable by yes or no. But I can’t believe that it can raise me up. My answer was absolutely yes, but I never taught that it really involves everything pleasant! All my life, I live in pain and sorrow. But now, I am ready to stand with great convictions. From this point onward, Alexander took his first step to make my answer a reality.
After that Bible study course, I wear a wide smile. With excitement, I went home running. At last, I have something to carry on, I have something to thank, something I can use to continue what I have done this far. Lately, I have a crashed heart, but it is no more. I began to contain a weary heart, not easily moved or gets wounded, again. I thank God that he lights me up, giving the word “HOPE” that I can treasure. Now, even my family, friend or relative have to taste the curse of death, I can observe the customs of mourning after their deaths, but will never ever get hurts. Because of hope, I can portray myself running in the lush greenery fields, going to meet my resurrected loved ones, and hugged them tightly for the years we haven’t shared. Sooner, which is not too long to wait, that the dead will hear the voice of Jesus and those who have paid attention will live, and those in “the memorial tombs will come out”. Now, I am still helpless, but soon, I will be running free, together with my loved ones.
During every eventide, I was thankful for the hope I’ve got. From the moment I took my step towards the shining light, I really gained my comforts. Today, I am happy that I have still hopes. Even I can still observe someone slowly dying, I know that it is not a fault of anyone. I can’t even blame Adam and Eve for that, because they are also victims of their desires. We can’t modify the facts that we die even we blame them a hundred or thousand times. Instead, make concerns of the present and continue to work our own salvation to make us qualify in the world that are once lost. We are dying today, but the world that will be ours will makes our ideal life come true. Because of the hope I learned, I am here, with a great belief, that everything will come as promised. I was tied in pain once, and I will never come back to that state ever again. I have the hope that regains my strength to keep forward. The hope is still on me, but can’t do anything to complete me. I have still a missing piece that no one can fill. But I have also a hope that someday, when everything comes as promised, that piece will be found and makes me in full.
Reminiscing all my pasts, I never believe that I can endure these pains. But thanks God, I have made a strong Alexander because of them, which now serves as a boulder, can be used as a great fortress for suffering persons against their greatest fear: their own pains. I might feel the pain and uncertainties today, but the promise heals me and uplift my heart. As I think of the question my greatest maestro once asks (would you like to live on earth forever?), I have regained my strengths (that disappears because of the pain striking my totality), my convictions that are once dissolved by the past events, and my determinations to win over everything which are once weighed down by fears in life that makes me live in more difficult situations. I realized a hope that I will never, never live in such pain for a life-time, again and forever. The things happened to me gives me reason to leap with joy of heart, as they prove to me that everything can be surpassed through faith to the unseen God Jehovah, and that I may be strengthened by my struggles. All my life, I may be lived in pain of being left alone most of it, but all of my life, Jehovah gives my deep sigh. My God sent Jesus to redeem me from sin and errors, from suffering, and made the resurrection possible, through his precious blood. Because of what Jehovah have done, I revamp my thought and makes my full pledge to serve him. That is why now, I am determined to do all and conquer all despite of many adversities in my way as I search and give reassuring answers to someone who suffers due to the death of loved ones, thus, also, have been asking, “WHY I’M HERE MOST OF MY LIFE?”.
04/23/2019 TUE 12:00 AM
Alexander Locquiao Nartates